Most of you guys are familiar with my beats / instrumental works. I've been involved with a lot of new and exciting projects for you guys: Songs for The King (Psalm Project), "Lullaby for the Spirits, and many other mini side projects like: Pokemon Remix Compilation, Video game OST remixes, just to name a few.
Things have been pretty okay for the most part, but past 6 months have been some of the toughest time of my life. I've been quietly battling against depression. I've been wrestling with loneliness, rejections, and hopelessness, to a point where I'd get so depressed and start developing suicidal thoughts. I'm going to put my pride to rest for a second and be absolutely transparent with you guys.
As a believer and a follower of Christ, I've always been able to not lose hope and keep my head up during the dark times. There are times where I crumble, but I've always been able to pick myself back up because I knew the Spirit was always around me. But this year, 2017, was the first time in my 23 years of living, where I felt totally abandoned and God was silent. I was spiritually sick, physically tired, and mentally dying. I tried to reach out to people who I thought were my friends, people who I believed to be my genuine brothers and sisters, but this was my first time ever seeing their true side, where they've turned me down and walked away from me.
There are few who stuck around and have been meeting up with me and praying with me. Every part of my decaying heart expresses gratitude for those who's been keeping me in their prayers and has been checking up on me from time to time. Unfortunately, when you drag this burden of depression around your waist, you find yourself pushing people away, despite how much you're aware about the fact that you need people around you. I became overly sensitive and quickly began to shut myself from the people around me.
Perhaps part of the reason why I started isolating myself from people was the fact that I was condemned before I could even try to talk to them. People have told me that I need to be a "man" and stop "bitching" over these problems. I was told that my life didn't have enough scars for me to call myself a victim, or of someone who is weary. I was told I was too prideful and what I am going through is the product of my sinfulness. Religion did not help. God was silent, people who I've trusted showed no empathy and only condemned me. Yet, I am still thankful for this experience, because through this struggle, I was able to see what it meant to serve someone, what it meant to truly love a brother, and what it meant to be in a community of loving people. I've also learned who were trust worthy in my life and who I could truly call my friends.
Sadly, understanding this took me a bit and one evening I came close to ending my life. I was so deeply buried in darkness that I didn't want to reach out to anyone. I was scared to receive more rejections and bear even greater hurts. But as I was about to leave my house at 3 or 4am, something pulled me back. I felt like my body was paralyzed and someone was speaking in my heart "don't do this." It was a familiar voice, a halcyon voice that carried blissfulness and absolute peace. That soft spoken voice and a gentle tug, no stronger than the force of an infant, tugging the back of the shirt of its mother, was more than enough for me to fall to my knees and cry my eyes out.
How foolish have I become and how weak I truly was, that late night / early morning, everything was revealed to me. I'd like to believe that gentle tug and the calm voice were summoned by God. However, I can't say that everything's gotten better since that night. It's been three months since that night, and though I've turned myself away from the notions of suicide and self harm, I am not completely free from depression. If there's something that's keeping me going, it's God and His everlasting love and grace. God is the reason why I started making music, and is the reason how I got this far in life.
Ever since that night, I wanted to start expressing myself through lyrics and not just through instrumentals. I've been writing lyrics since freshmen year of high school. I've never released anything, just wrote countless pages of rhymes and lyrics. I want to share my stories and express things that can't fully be expressed through instrumental music.
I am not cured. I am still broken, but learning the beauty of the process of healing. God is quiet, but not silent. Maybe someday, I can be joyful again. Maybe someday, I can get back up on my feet, but for now... this is who I am.
released June 5, 2017
Cinematography: Enoch Ku